There he was, over ten years ago, standing in the middle of our High School parking lot, his beautiful eyes staring right into my soul from day one, asking for my name and number. His weight shifting from side to side as he was a bit nervous but his eyes never letting go of mine. I, of course, provided the number and floated on a cloud all the way home as I reflected back on my first day of High School and decided these were going to be the best four years of my life. Little did I know ...
The hours passed slowly that night as I anxiosley awaited the phone to ring ... when it finally did it was the first conversation with a man that I will love till the day I die. The year after that was a blur of High School romance. We had our ups and downs but never could deny each other for more then a day ... and forget it if one of us managed to get the other to look into our eyes as we had an unspoken language that was so powerful we didn't have the power, nor desire, to control where it took us. The amazing part of our unspoken language was in a room full of crowded ROTC junkies, we could find each other, never say a word and know exactly what the other needed or wanted and at times be able to provide what the other one needed without ever saying a word to each other. We were an amazing couple.
As the next summer approached I had no idea what I was about to attempt to conquer when I had to let him go on July 18th into Basic Training for the Army. At 15 a girl isn't prepared to handle the powerful love and conncection he and I had. I realize this now however at 15 I was bound and determined I could handle it. The weeks were long and tearful and nothing but bad habits would comfort my desire to be with this man. When the day finally arrived that he was home from Basic Graduation he and I spent a 24 hour period locked in a hotel room never letting go of one another. Sometimes talking, sometimes starring at each other, often using our body language and unspoken language only he and I could understand to express what we felt. The weeks to follow that went by fast, he and I spending as much time together as possible (given that I was still in school ... YUCK). And eventually, he left again for more training (I think) finally ending up in VA.
Somewhere in here we decided we couldn't live without each other ... ya you know that was coming! He bought a ring we couldn't afford, asked/told our parents his intentions and put a ring on my finger. Obviosley it doesn't take a master mind to realize both set of paretns weren't thrilled with the idea of a 19 and 16 year old getting married BUT if you knew us then as a couple you knew there was no way we weren't getting married. We had made up our minds. Eventually all the parents came around to our way of thinking and a wedding was planned for:
JUNE 20, 1998.
To speed up the story, the last half of my sophmore year I extended on my bad habits to console with the loss of the only person that made me happy and he continued to strive in his new career in the Army. I ended my sophmore year in May and we were married in June. It was a beautiful day with so many hiccups its not even funny (now looking back we should have looked closer to the signs, lol) but we were more in love then ever. I will never forget the look on his face when I was coming down the asile towards him. His eyes locked into mine just as they had the day he asked me for my number. He became my world, my strength and my reason for breathing from that moment on.
We moved all our belongings to VA and started a happy life there. VA was beautiful and I couldn't have loved being an Army Wife more ... HOWEVER (you knew there had to be a HOWEVER!!) before we actually tied the knot he had gotten orders to Germany. That was one of the many reasons we felt we needed to get married right away as we could not imagine living our lives with an ocean between us. The beautiful life in VA was short lived as 6 months later, days before Christmas we found ourselves (me still 16) across the world from everything we knew. We sat in our hotel, jet lagged and a little dumb founded for what seemed like hours until it was time for him to report to wherever he was supposed to report (the details are fuzzy during this time as I was litterally shell shocked).
We soon moved into an apartment on base to which I was sure would end all my fears, afterall staying in a hotel off base where you can't even order a soda or watch TV was scary. I mean you could watch TV but when Ghost came on the television and Whoppi was no longer speaking English it kinda lost its UMPH ya know???
Sadly, my fears didn't end. While my ever so eager to succeed, career driven, husband quickly fell into a routine of his soldierly duties, made friends and began adjusting to the world of Germany very quickly. I however didn't come around that easy. Not only did I have to struggle with the "wife duties" (that we had so lovingly shared while in VA) of grocery shopping (without a car), loundry, ironing, cleaning house, cooking etc. but oh yes my husband didn't want me to considered a failure so he insisted that I go back to High School. We have all been through High School and we know how easy it is NOT to fit in on the best of days, no less with all of my added "benefits". Not to mention getting homework done in addition to all my wife duties.
I cried, alot ... most of the time hiding it from the man I now depended on for my every move and at times for my every breath. I loved him, I am sure of that, but I was slowly falling apart as I couldn't handle all he expected/needed of me. If you knew me back then you can only imagine what a starteling moment that was for me when I learned I couldn't handle something. By this time my husband was getting deployed (to this day I swear he volenteered for half of the deployments however he claims other wise, lol) for weeks at a time only to be home long enough to rest, me to get everything washed and re-ready to go and he was off again. So I was left to my old habits of consoleing myself and oh I added in drinking too. Obviosley my behavior was not up to my husband's "Stepford Wife" standard however by that time I was so tired of letting him down and became so bitter at what he had done to me I didn't much care and he was too young in being a husband to understand how I felt or to see that I was behaving this way as a result of our relationship.
Now let me pause here ... my husband wasn't perfect but he did the best he could at the time and this is to not be taken in anyway as a bash on him ... these are just the facts through my eyes. He hurt me, yes but I did my fair share of wrong doings. I dearly loved him and he loved me so much in return .. we just didn't know any better.
Okay back to the adventure ... eventually many parties, a couple indiscretions, a piercing and a tattoo later I got the guts up to drop out of school, tell him I was leaving and pack up my stuff. At this point he opened his eyes up to where I was emotionally and begged me to stay ... begged me to come back but I was 17 hard headed and pissed. I came home with no intention of ever going back .. and I didn't.
I would like to say this is where I came home and conqured the world but I was lost when I returned. I needed him, I needed him to breath, to laugh, to cry, to sleep, I needed him for everything. Oh wait I didn't need him to drink or sleep around ... that I did just fine on my own and used that as a poor source of counseling to cope with how I felt hurt and betrayed by him. I needed him but my pride was too great to tell him how I wronged him and to ask for forgiveness ... so I took what little strength I had and divorced him. He was better off without me ... right??
After some big battles with my parents I got back into school and earned an Associates Degree in Applied Science and my Paralegal Certification. When I graduated and thought .. HE would have like to see this and took my diploma. Shortly thereafter I manage to get into contact with him again and tried to make things work again .. from the moment I heard his voice I knew he still loved me. I couldn't see those eyes talking to me but I knew they never stopped but something wouldn't let him go all in and well for reasons beyond MY control he chose another women.
From that moment our lives have gone in seperate directions and I haven't even seen those eyes, that for so long I longed for, in over 5 years maybe even closer to 7 years. I actually would be a little scared to see him as I would not even begin to know how I would react to him - he always had a way with me, we had a way with each other. Maybe that is why the good Lord has never put us in front of each other again.
We are both re-married and very commited to our marriages and family but every couple years we manage to cross paths (thanks to the world wide web) as I don't know if either of our hearts will ever lose touch. I wish there was a way to explain the connection, the spark, the combustion of emotions that our souls shared so naturally with each other so my readers could understand why I can still so freshly type of these emotions with my first husband. And while he would never admit it, I am sure he could fill in some of the few blanks in our adventure described above and add his own description on how whatever we have together that is so powerful.
Thus .. every June 20 is a day I remember and reflect. I will never regret my adventure with this man. I learned from my mistakes which has lead me to be the wfie I am today. I could not be more proud of the man, father and solider he has become. I will never to be as bold to say I am over him but that is not to imply that I would leave the life and world I have now. This may not make sense to some of you but I hope for others reading this, that you might have had the chance to experience what we experienced and know a connection like ours.
If you happen to be HIM reading this ... I'll never forget, regret or let go of what we had. No matter how long the silence is between us.
I leave you with the words from a favorite song that will always remind me of him and the raod I traveled afer our adventure -
"Is There Life After Love?"
Every road had a rainbow
And every wish had a star
Every tear had a shoulder to cry on
And every night had guitars
But every fool's a lonely fool
And such a fool am I
'Cause every night I think of you
And every night I die
Is there life after love?
Some things aren't certain
But some things I'm sure of
Like angels in heaven
And God up above
But is there life after love?
You gave me forgiveness
But you could not forget
No, I should never have told you
What I'll live to regret
The truth lies between us
And I can't take it back
No, it's too late for lyin' now
It's too late for that
Is there life after love?
Some things aren't certain
But some things I'm sure of
Like angels in heaven
And God up above
But is there life after love?
Here I am, there you are
We're so far apart
Let's pretend that I've never been
In his hands, in his heart
Can't we just start
All over again?
Is there life after love?
Some things aren't certain
But some things I'm sure of
Like angels in heaven
And God up above
But is there life after love?
Is there life after love?
